February 19, 2010
Before I start this I wanted to explain that although I will be talking of something that happened a while ago I just really felt led of the Lord to talk about it now for some reason. So if I have talked of it before please bare with me.
It begins with the other day when I was sitting in my quiet place with the Lord listening to praise and worship music, reading my bible and devotion, when I felt led of the Lord to listen to what I call our song. This particular song is an instrumental piece, but it’s melody goes to the very core of me every time I hear it. Well the Lord had me listen to it, and as my heart began to fill with such praise and adoration for the Lord that I couldn’t help but start journaling.
I first heard this song about fourteen months ago. It was the holiday season of 2009. I had just come out of what is to this point worst and best time of my life. When I wasn’t healed when I thought the Lord said I would be ( There is more about this part of my journey found in the archives of this blog under my personal testimony). Like I said I was so hurt, and even backslid for a short time, I was hurting so bad. Then as I have said the Lord slowly started bringing me back to Him, as only He could. He was so loving and gentle and was so tender with me.
One night about two weeks before Thankgiving I began having pains in my back and stomach. I was doubled over the pain was so bad. I already have stomach problems so I just figured it was that. After a couple of hours the pain finally went away, and I was fine. Then the night before Thanksgiving the pain returned, worse than before, but since I was having thanksgiving dinner at my home I was determined to not let my family know. I woke up the Thanksgiving day still in pain but it was at least tolerable, I was even more determined to get through the day. The pain finally started to go away as we sat down to eat, and my family was none the wiser. Each time I would have an episode I would call my counselor( Who also happens to be the care ministry Pastor at my church) and ask for prayer, She would plead with me to go see a doctor, that the pain was there for a reason, but money was tight and even though we had insurance we already owed the doctor money and I didn’t want to add to it. So she would pray and God would get me through another day. Finally the Monday after Thanksgiving I had the worse episode ever, I was crawling on the floor because with my Cerbral Palsy it just made it worse to walk. I called my counselor, and she once again pleaded with me to let her take me to urgent care that something was horribly wrong. The pain in my back and stomach were so bad. I called my husband at work and he told me I knew my body the best and if I felt I needed to go to urgent care to go. So I called my counselor back and she came and took me in.
I was fully expecting a long wait, since that is usually how it is with the urgent care in our area. We got there, and the place was empty, and with the help of a wheelchair I was able to get in to see the doctor right away. They immediately gave me something for the pain, and then started the battery of tests that literally took all day to do. in the end they determined it was my gallbladder which surprized them since they usually don’t see that kind of problem in someone my age. I was ordered immediate admittance into the hospital because the numbers were so high on one of the test that they said I had to have surgery. So even though I didn’t want to go my counselor gave me no choice and drove me to the hospital where they were waiting for me.
I later found out that my gall bladder was so toxic if I had gone home I could have died within a matter of hours. So began five days in the hospital. They couldn’t operate right away because the numbers were to high and wanted to wait for them to go down. For me that five days in the hospital was fine until the night before my surgery. That whole day I was so scared, in retrospect I guess I was scared the whole time. I was terrified to go into surgery. Although I was slowly coming back to the Lord, by this point I knew I had sinned against Him and just couldn’t believe that He had forgiven me. I couldn’t receive His love or His forgiveness for me through all the guilt and condemnation, both from satan and from myself.
My husband woke me up with a phone call at around 6am the day before the surgery to tell me to look out my hospital window that it was snowing and he knew I wouldn’t want to miss it. I got up without turning my light on and opened the curtain. From the street lamp that was in the parking lot I could see the snow gently falling to the ground, it was amazingly beautiful. I crawled back in bed and just watched the beauty of God’s creation. Something told me told me to listen to my mp3 player. I found that sweet precious song, and started listening to it. And within seconds I felt my sweet precious Jesus come into the room. His presence was so sweet that all I could do was sit there. We sat there in silence and yet His love surrounded me, I don’t think I could describe it to do Him justice. But I will never forget that sweet precious moment that we had in that room. I couldn’t believe that He would still come to me after I had been so angry with Him, and had done such horrible things to try and push Him away, I thought for sure I would be eternally seperated from Him, that I had just messed up to badly this time. And yet here He was with me. Gently loving me. After a while I heard Him speak to my heart that He knew I was scared, but that He was with me, and I was going to be fine. I just sat amazed, because I just couldn’t believe that He was going to get me through this, after all I had done.
Finally after five days it was time for surgery, and like anybody facing surgery I was a little nerveous, I was still scared and thought what if something happens and I die, will I be seperated from my Lord for eternity. I put on a brave front in front of my counselor and the doctors, but I was terriified. I’m not even sure that “terrified” even truly discribes what I was going through emotionally. Well I came through surgery fine, just as He said I would. But because I woke up in such severe pain they pumped me full of morphine and other drugs. They kept telling me to rest, but I was convinced I would stop breathing and die, and strange as it seems I couldn’t let that happen, I had to stay awake. My anxiety got so bad at one point that they brought in a machine that let me hear that my heart was beating fine. The nurses were so great, they kept reassuring me that I was fine, even though I truly believed I wasn’t. Since my husband couldn’t take the time off work, to be with me that day, my counselor had come to be with me. I had told my family not to worry about coming because the mountain passes were to bad. So it was just me, her, and God. But I spent most of the day freaked out. I hadn’t let my counselor see how scared I was and it was when she had left to get something to eat that I had my most severe panic attack, and that is when the nurses brought in the machine to help calm me down, I later found out that if it hadn’t worked, they were going to sedate me that’s how scared I was. I know it wasn’t rational thinking, but it was how I felt at the moment. But even now as I look back I see how God orchastrated everything. Within a month of my surgery we lost our health insurance. If I hadn’t had the surgery then I don’t know what would have happened.
I tell you all this, becauseI know what it feels like to live in that kind of fear. I was in such a horrible place to be and it is such a bondage. And yet I know that so many people live in that fear just as I did. Jesus in His mercy and grace reached out to me when I couldn’t reach to Him. He came to me and showed me His love, something for which I am so thankful to Him for. After a year and a half of counseling I am now at a place where I know without doubt that He loves me, and that I don’t have to do anything to earn His love. He loves me simply because I am His daughter, and He is my Father.
When I least deserved Him, it was then He reach out to me the most, bringing His comfort and peace, and His sweet precious love. Wow is all I can say to that. He did it for me, and I know He will do it for those of you who are out there hurting just as I was hurting. He so longs to be your Comforter and Friend. And believe me when I say that there is no person or thing on the face of this planet who can do it better than He does.
If you are in a place of suffering and pain, trials and tribulations, if you are worried about where you stand with God, I would love to come along side you in prayer. Please feel free to send me an email at firstname.lastname@example.org. My prayer for you all is
Eph 3:14 – 19 For this reason I bow my knees to the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, from whom the whole family in heaven and earth is named, that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with might through His Spirit in the inner man, that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the width and length and depth and height– to know the love of Christ which passes knowledge; that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. God Bless—Believer.